#2 Dear Disrespectful, Malicious & Pervy...

Dear Disrespectful Dishwasher,

I was 22. I never knew your name, but we briefly worked at the same crappy restaurant. One night when I was dropping off dishes you said, “Awe baby, a gorgeous thing like you… how could you let yourself go like that?”

Dear Malicious Mismatch,

I was 32. We were both on a dating website that made people specify their body types. I listed myself as “curvy.” I never contacted you, but you sent me a message. It said, “You aren’t curvy. You are fat.”

Dear Pervy Protester,

I was 42. I was with friends at a protest and you approached me to speak. I smiled politely and openly, waiting to hear what you had to say. You said, “Why are you so sweet? You've got some junk in your trunk.” I turned around to ignore you, so you moved closer… too close. You whispered in my ear, “Might be time to go to the gym.”

Dear Disrespectful, Malicious and Pervy,

I was speechless when you said that to me because it was an emotional punch to the gut. I was afraid to respond because I didn’t want to invite further insults. I thought that what you said was about me. I felt hurt and ashamed and was taken off guard by your vitriol.

Now I know that your insults had nothing to do with me. These comments were about you. These comments were a demonstration of how you view women only as they relate to you- as objects to control and possess or belittle and disregard. Further, the fact that you see women this way makes you a prisoner of your own limited view of the world and the souls that inhabit it. As long as you act in this way, you will never know the real beauty of any woman. You will never know my beauty.

But enough about you.

I was three different sizes at the times of our encounters… at three different stages of life and three different phases of my relationship to this earthly body I’ve got. When I was a child, though I was lanky, I thought of myself as fat. I hated my body. All of my anger and fear was placed in the comfy basket of my body image. It was a safe place to put them. After all, my being angry at myself was relatively safe when compared with the possibility that I might burst into flames if I dared give others responsibility for any pain they caused. This would mean that they had all the control and I had none. As I grew up, I held onto that, and fed sugary foods to any anxieties, fears and anger that arose. I subconsciously manifested my own view of myself- punishing my body with food it didn’t want. In this way, I caused myself a lot of physical, mental and emotional pain. I carried that pattern and its accompanying pain well into adulthood.

Now, I have found a way to use food as fuel and to enjoy it- rarely using it to soothe fear and anxiety. This has been a miracle in my life. However, the extra “curves” that I padded myself with for all those years (mostly) remain with me. Somewhere along the way, I decided to love myself and my body, accepting it as it is. It hasn’t been an easy journey, and some days are harder than others. But for me, obsessing about losing weight would give food another level of control over my life that I no longer want it to have. I don’t want food to control me for one more day. Instead, I focus on exercising for my health, feeding my body the food it wants, and enjoying the gift of my body as it is. My big, rounded bottom amuses and even delights me. My soft arms and ample belly and bosom provide a soft place to land for those lucky enough to find me for a hug. My thick thighs give me a sassy swagger. I wholeheartedly reject the notion that outer beauty only comes in size “skinny”.

This is my body, and I am grateful for it. It has given me my children. It makes me feel sexy, beautiful and alive. My body has allowed me to experience being a mother, a traveler, a lover, an athlete, a student, a teacher, and a helper. It has allowed me to bask in the compassion and love of others.

My body serves me well, but my body is not who I am.

Now I think that if someone isn’t open enough to see the whole mind, body and spirit me… if they only see me as a “flawed” body, then they are suffering from the same kind of self-torture that made me hate myself as a younger person. The truth is that once one discovers self-love and acceptance, accepting others becomes the most natural thing in the world.

Now and then, I still think about you three total strangers. I think about the lasting pain your harmful words inflicted, and the power I let you have in the moments I encountered you. I think about others like you who have been just as hateful over the years. I think about the countless times I was made to feel invisible because of the shape of my body. The fact remains that fat-shaming still falls within the realm of socially acceptable, however brutal it may be. As they say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Behold my beauty or ignore it entirely- that’s your experience to enjoy or deny- not mine.

So, if you haven’t already found it- I wish you peace and I hope that you learn to accept yourself as you are. Until then, you’ll probably remain disrespectful, malicious and pervy. Good luck with that.

Sincerely,  

Joyce Vansean